Can someone explain this whole Catholic thing with the cracker and the wine to me? Is Catholicism somehow based on ancient cannibalistic teachings? What's with 'consuming' the blood and the flesh? Isn't that a little primitive? A little barbaric? I know it's only symbolic, but c'mon, if your gonna mess with that kind of thing why not just practice voodoo? (note: Someone just told me that the two are kinda related. Maybe I'm smarter than I thought.)(Maybe not...)
That reminds me of a story...
A few years ago, Tommy was getting groupie action left, right and centre. He couldn't keep up. Which was odd because the band wasn't playin' a lot of gigs right about then. As a result cash was a bit tight. Being the brilliant business mind that he thinks he is, Tommy came up with a solution. He went off and had some meetings, got things set up and put the wheels in motion. One day Tommy shows up at band practice with three brown paper bags, one for everyone. He hands them out, telling everyone to open them at the same time. He explains how there must be some reason that all these chicks wanted him. And he's figured out what it was. Now he was gonna give every woman a chance to have what was so special about him. “Open 'em up” he said...and the other three guys opened their bags and pulled out exact latex replicas of Tommy's...
What? That happened to Warren Cuccurullo, too? Wow, that's a coincidence...Wait...who the f**k is Warren Cuccurullo? He was in Missing Persons and Duran Duran for a while? That's hardly metal guys...
Uh...ok...Dannii just told me that it happened to Warren Cuccu..whatever, but not Tommy. Dannii was lying to me when he told me it happened to Tommy. Bastards...they're always f***ing with me.
Anyway, the guys have done and seen it all, except for making dildos molded from their own units. That happened to that Warren guy. But he's cool, too. Well, maybe not so cool, but he probably has a big unit!
Ok. I gotta go now. But I'll be back with more shit you didn't know about Broken Toyz!
Later,
Eli Finkelstein (Cy's kid)
18 July 2008
17 July 2008
If today is Thursday, this must be...
Did you hear about that stewardess (sorry, flight attendant) in France who dug a Kit Kat wrapper out of the garbage (that she had thrown away two hours earlier) and won a trip into space? What the hell? I had no idea that Willy Wonka had moved his chocolate factory to outer space (ok, its a trip that goes to 60 miles above the Earth, not really outer space, I guess). Still, I thought those golden tickets only happened in the movies! Cool! Mmmm, Veruca Salt!
That reminds me of a story...
Winter of '86, Valentine's Day as a matter of fact, and the boyz had just done a show with Cheap Trick in London (no, not London, Ontario, the real one). Dannii was hangin' out with Andy McCoy from Hanoi Rocks. They swung by the place of one of Andy's 'friends', to pick up some 'stuff'. The two of them had been consuming a beverage or two and were a bit messed up already, so the 'friend' wanted to know if Dannii would like him to 'administer' his 'stuff'. Dannii, always looking for someone to do his dirty work, said why not. Almost immediately, Dannii is out like a light. The 'friend' panics and starts pounding on Dannii with a baseball bat trying to wake him up, to no avail. So the 'friend' dumps Dannii in a dumpster behind his place and leaves him for...
What? That happened to Nikki Sixx,, too? A dealer left him for dead in a dumpster? Wow, that's a coincidence...
Uh...ok...Tommy just told me that it happened to Nikki, but not Dannii. Tommy was lying to me when he told me it happened to Dannii. Bastards...they're always f***ing with me.
Anyway, the guys have done and seen it all, except for getting left for dead in dumpsters on Valentine's Day. That happened to Nikki Sixx. But he's cool, too. And, surprisingly, still alive.
Ok. I gotta go now. But I'll be back with more shit you didn't know about Broken Toyz!
Later,
Eli Finkelstein (Cy's kid)
That reminds me of a story...
Winter of '86, Valentine's Day as a matter of fact, and the boyz had just done a show with Cheap Trick in London (no, not London, Ontario, the real one). Dannii was hangin' out with Andy McCoy from Hanoi Rocks. They swung by the place of one of Andy's 'friends', to pick up some 'stuff'. The two of them had been consuming a beverage or two and were a bit messed up already, so the 'friend' wanted to know if Dannii would like him to 'administer' his 'stuff'. Dannii, always looking for someone to do his dirty work, said why not. Almost immediately, Dannii is out like a light. The 'friend' panics and starts pounding on Dannii with a baseball bat trying to wake him up, to no avail. So the 'friend' dumps Dannii in a dumpster behind his place and leaves him for...
What? That happened to Nikki Sixx,, too? A dealer left him for dead in a dumpster? Wow, that's a coincidence...
Uh...ok...Tommy just told me that it happened to Nikki, but not Dannii. Tommy was lying to me when he told me it happened to Dannii. Bastards...they're always f***ing with me.
Anyway, the guys have done and seen it all, except for getting left for dead in dumpsters on Valentine's Day. That happened to Nikki Sixx. But he's cool, too. And, surprisingly, still alive.
Ok. I gotta go now. But I'll be back with more shit you didn't know about Broken Toyz!
Later,
Eli Finkelstein (Cy's kid)
16 July 2008
We've got your back, Tommy...
For anyone who was at last night's show, at the institution that is Morgan's, you likely noticed (unless you were totally plastered...and, it happens!) that Tommy Gunns wasn't on stage with the rest of the boyz. He had some work done on a back almost destroyed by constant touring for the last 37 years. We ask you to send out your best wishes to Tommy for a full and speedy recovery. As well, we, obviously, want to shout out thanks to Tommy's little bro J.J. Gunns for filling in so admirably. He's a bit of a lightweight when it comes to the drinking part of the gig, but he held his own musically, once again. Thanks J.J.!
That reminds me of a story...
Just after Christmas 1989, the boyz were out opening for Aerosmith. A plum gig, at a great time of year, which had the boyz all in great spirits (and into the spirits, as well). Except for Johnny Emaxx, who was his crustier than usual, after breaking up with Winona Ryder (she was popular in '89, really). So at a show in Springfield, Massachusetts things went a bit sideways. Seeing as how Steven Tyler and the boys are from Boston, the crowd was a bit antsy to see their hometown (homestate) heroes. Part way through the Toyz set someone decided to take matters into their own hands and whipped a bottle at Johnny, hinting that it was time to get off the stage. Well, Johnny the band heavy (as described by Tommy Gunns) wasn't gonna let this slide, especially given the irritation from his newly blue balls. He picked up the bottle and, after parting the crowd around the offender like the Red Sea, hurled the bottle back at the jackass in the crowd. Unfortunately the bottle hit the...
What? That happened to Sebastian Bach from Skid Row, too? And it was in Springfield, as well? Those New Englanders are crazy! Wow, that's a coincidence...
Uh...ok...Likki just told me that it happened to Sebastian Bach, but not Johnny. Likki was lying to me when he told me it happened to Johnny. Johnny never smashed an innocent chick's face with an empty bottle. Bastards...they're always f***ing with me.
Anyway, the guys have done and seen it all, except for hitting the wrong people in the face with bottles. That happened to Sebastian Bach. But he was cool, too. Well...he was once upon a time.
Ok. I gotta go now. But I'll be back with more shit you didn't know about Broken Toyz!
Later,
Eli Finkelstein (Cy's kid)
That reminds me of a story...
Just after Christmas 1989, the boyz were out opening for Aerosmith. A plum gig, at a great time of year, which had the boyz all in great spirits (and into the spirits, as well). Except for Johnny Emaxx, who was his crustier than usual, after breaking up with Winona Ryder (she was popular in '89, really). So at a show in Springfield, Massachusetts things went a bit sideways. Seeing as how Steven Tyler and the boys are from Boston, the crowd was a bit antsy to see their hometown (homestate) heroes. Part way through the Toyz set someone decided to take matters into their own hands and whipped a bottle at Johnny, hinting that it was time to get off the stage. Well, Johnny the band heavy (as described by Tommy Gunns) wasn't gonna let this slide, especially given the irritation from his newly blue balls. He picked up the bottle and, after parting the crowd around the offender like the Red Sea, hurled the bottle back at the jackass in the crowd. Unfortunately the bottle hit the...
What? That happened to Sebastian Bach from Skid Row, too? And it was in Springfield, as well? Those New Englanders are crazy! Wow, that's a coincidence...
Uh...ok...Likki just told me that it happened to Sebastian Bach, but not Johnny. Likki was lying to me when he told me it happened to Johnny. Johnny never smashed an innocent chick's face with an empty bottle. Bastards...they're always f***ing with me.
Anyway, the guys have done and seen it all, except for hitting the wrong people in the face with bottles. That happened to Sebastian Bach. But he was cool, too. Well...he was once upon a time.
Ok. I gotta go now. But I'll be back with more shit you didn't know about Broken Toyz!
Later,
Eli Finkelstein (Cy's kid)
15 July 2008
Help me, help me...
What does that mean...child-proof packaging? I know that it's supposed to keep kids from getting their dirty little hands on things (pharmaceuticals, etc.) that could harm them, but, really, can't they make them so that adults can open them. I mean, am I supposed to feel retarded (I mean mentally challenged, sorry)if I can't get into the stupid packaging? It's not supposed to be person-proof, just child-proof. Can't they, maybe, put a card reader on the outside of the package so you can swipe your I.D. and have the package open? I'm sure someone, somewhere has come up with that technology, don't you think?
That reminds me of a story...
It was 1988. Before she made it big doing movies like “Wayne's World” and the like, Penelope Spheeris was doing a movie called “Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years”. It was about the booming metal scene on the Sunset Strip and beyond. Naturally, in addition to such monsters of the scene like Odin, Lizzy Borden and Seduce, she wanted to get the scoop on the Toyz. Everyone agreed that this would be great exposure and decided to make an appearance in the movie. But no one could track down Tommy. For a week everyone searched, high and low, for the missing guitarist. Finally, Spheeris got a tip that Tommy was holed up at his mom's house. She rounded up her camera crew and they headed out. When they showed up they saw Tommy's mom sitting, hands gently folded in her lap, as her son, the rock star, floated in her pool on an inner tube...ABSOLUTELY SMASHED, drinking straight out of a 60 oz. bottle of...
What? That happened to Chris Holmes from W.A.S.P. , too? He was floating in his mom's pool smashed, in the movie, too? Wow, that's a coincidence...
Uh...ok...Dannii just told me that it happened to Chris Holmes, but not Tommy. Dannii was lying to me when he told me it happened to Tommy. Tommy was never floating, smashed, in his mom's pool. At least not in a major motion picture. Bastards...they're always f***ing with me.
Anyway, the guys have done and seen it all, except for looking like idiots, floating drunk in their mom's pools. That happened to Chris Holmes. But he's cool, too. Actually, no he's not. Didn't Lita Ford divorce him? Loser.
Ok. I gotta go now. But I'll be back with more shit you didn't know about Broken Toyz!
Later,
Eli Finkelstein (Cy's kid)
That reminds me of a story...
It was 1988. Before she made it big doing movies like “Wayne's World” and the like, Penelope Spheeris was doing a movie called “Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years”. It was about the booming metal scene on the Sunset Strip and beyond. Naturally, in addition to such monsters of the scene like Odin, Lizzy Borden and Seduce, she wanted to get the scoop on the Toyz. Everyone agreed that this would be great exposure and decided to make an appearance in the movie. But no one could track down Tommy. For a week everyone searched, high and low, for the missing guitarist. Finally, Spheeris got a tip that Tommy was holed up at his mom's house. She rounded up her camera crew and they headed out. When they showed up they saw Tommy's mom sitting, hands gently folded in her lap, as her son, the rock star, floated in her pool on an inner tube...ABSOLUTELY SMASHED, drinking straight out of a 60 oz. bottle of...
What? That happened to Chris Holmes from W.A.S.P. , too? He was floating in his mom's pool smashed, in the movie, too? Wow, that's a coincidence...
Uh...ok...Dannii just told me that it happened to Chris Holmes, but not Tommy. Dannii was lying to me when he told me it happened to Tommy. Tommy was never floating, smashed, in his mom's pool. At least not in a major motion picture. Bastards...they're always f***ing with me.
Anyway, the guys have done and seen it all, except for looking like idiots, floating drunk in their mom's pools. That happened to Chris Holmes. But he's cool, too. Actually, no he's not. Didn't Lita Ford divorce him? Loser.
Ok. I gotta go now. But I'll be back with more shit you didn't know about Broken Toyz!
Later,
Eli Finkelstein (Cy's kid)
14 July 2008
And it finally ends...
No more Stampede! So, today will be spent washing all the same clothes I wear for 10 days every year. The ones that smell like manure and sweat and, occasionally vomit. The long-sleeved silk 'blouses' with roses stitched into the pectoral area and piping lining my shoulders and arms. The Wrangler jeans that make my ass look like a pancake. The pointy-toed boots that give me blisters that last for two months reminding me of this horrible yearly ritual. The semen-stained underwear from dry-humping flirtatious, yet frigid, cowgirls from North Dakota. But I digress...
That reminds me of a story...
In the late 80's the Toyz did a lot of tours opening for big names (most of whom owed their success to the Toyz after stealing their songs...). Anyway, some times the band would end their legs of tours far from home. Instead of driving across the country, sometimes the band would fly back to the coast. One tour, Likki was flying back alone (he'd stayed an extra couple days to hang out with Bobbie Brown, the famous ex of many a musician...). Hating to travel alone, Likki decided to live the immortal words of Dokken's Wild Mick Brown - “There's only two ways to fly. Either really drunk or really stoned. Thankfully...I'm both.” About halfway through the flight, Likki got up to take a huge piss. But he stood for what seemed like ten minutes outside the occupied washroom, dancing and crossing his legs, waiting and waiting. It got to the point where he was pounding on the bathroom door, trying to get the occupant to vacate. Alas, nothing worked, so Likki took out his unit and started to...
What? That happened to Izzy Stradlin, too? He talked to a man about a mule in the galley of a commercial airliner, too? Wow, that's a coincidence...
Uh...ok...Johnny just told me that it happened to Izzy, but not Likki. Johnny was lying to me when he told me it happened to Likki. Likki didn't bleed his lizard in the middle of an airplane. Bastards...they're always f***ing with me.
Anyway, the guys have done and seen it all, except for taking a slash in front of everyone in an airplane. That happened to Izzy Stradlin. But he's cool, too. He told Axl to bite him!
Ok. I gotta go now. But I'll be back with more shit you didn't know about Broken Toyz!
Later,
Eli Finkelstein (Cy's kid)
That reminds me of a story...
In the late 80's the Toyz did a lot of tours opening for big names (most of whom owed their success to the Toyz after stealing their songs...). Anyway, some times the band would end their legs of tours far from home. Instead of driving across the country, sometimes the band would fly back to the coast. One tour, Likki was flying back alone (he'd stayed an extra couple days to hang out with Bobbie Brown, the famous ex of many a musician...). Hating to travel alone, Likki decided to live the immortal words of Dokken's Wild Mick Brown - “There's only two ways to fly. Either really drunk or really stoned. Thankfully...I'm both.” About halfway through the flight, Likki got up to take a huge piss. But he stood for what seemed like ten minutes outside the occupied washroom, dancing and crossing his legs, waiting and waiting. It got to the point where he was pounding on the bathroom door, trying to get the occupant to vacate. Alas, nothing worked, so Likki took out his unit and started to...
What? That happened to Izzy Stradlin, too? He talked to a man about a mule in the galley of a commercial airliner, too? Wow, that's a coincidence...
Uh...ok...Johnny just told me that it happened to Izzy, but not Likki. Johnny was lying to me when he told me it happened to Likki. Likki didn't bleed his lizard in the middle of an airplane. Bastards...they're always f***ing with me.
Anyway, the guys have done and seen it all, except for taking a slash in front of everyone in an airplane. That happened to Izzy Stradlin. But he's cool, too. He told Axl to bite him!
Ok. I gotta go now. But I'll be back with more shit you didn't know about Broken Toyz!
Later,
Eli Finkelstein (Cy's kid)
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