Oh, the inanity...

Being a rock god and a well-known man-whore (like the two aren't one and the same) is a tough row to hoe. Add to those burdens the curse of being 'as cute as a button' and hung like a horse (or was it a hamster...?), and you have nothing but tabloid-battling hardship ahead of you. Just ask Likki Stixx. He is currently trying to disprove the rumours that he is the male subject of most, if not all, of the chapters in Chelsea Handler's 2005 memoir "My Horizontal Life". Granted, if she were talking about me the way she MAY be talking about Likki, I'd be putting up a fight, too.

Each chapter supposedly describes one of her many sexual 'adventures', and after skimming the vignettes contained therein, I am convinced that Likki is on the up and up on this one. I mean come on, the first chapter is about her catching her mom having sex when Handler was but seven years old. Obviously, the only Toyz member old enough to be having sex that long ago was Tommy Gunns (another notch in his cougar belt...). So one down, many to go for Stixx.

She talks about some 'husky' guy she called Thunder, who gave her a rough ride and dumped her like a cheap suit...obviously Emaxx. Right? He always tells me he's 'husky' when I ask if he's put on more weight since he quit smoking, so she must be talking about him (he's gonna be mad at me now...but at least I didn't mention that she didn't think he could read...hold on, if she's right he won't even know I wrote this!), that guy was definitely Emaxx. Two down, one less to go for Stixx.

And, of course, there's the chapter where she details the tryst she had on a cruise ship with a guy who, and I quote, "...I underestimate(d)...his penis was larger than average, he had the stamina of the Iraqi ground forces...this guy belonged in the Olympics...I had never been manhandled like this before...". Unfortunately for her the guy was only 19. Well, guess who worked as a dance instructor on a cruise ship when he was 19? That's right, none other than Dannii Lee Damage. Three down, most of the book still to go.


Ok, so there is one chapter where she talks about 'almost' having sex with a 'vertically-challenged' guy (ok, she calls him a midget...and her little nugget), where she passed out before anything had happened (except for a little pleasuring?). So, we can buy that she's talking about Likki here, but even she says (hopes?) nothing happened. So get over it everyone, the damned book has nothing to do with Likki. Let it go.

But, fear not Likki, you'll always be our little nugget.

Cheers...

Eli Finkelstein (Cy's kid)