Groupies: The Next Generation

Do you know what the best part is of being a band that stands the test of time (or being a band that doesn't know enough to realize that their career has been over for 15 years...)? It's realizing that the groupies you had at the apex of your career are now at the age where their daughters are old enough to attend your shows and give it up, just like their mothers did.

Even better, the mothers can bring their daughters to the show and you can have a legitimate shot at one, the other, or, preferably, both. God knows, Emaxx is the king of this trick. Rarely has there been anyone who can so easily make a post threesome breakfast in a hotel cafe look like a family man and his lovely family sharing a quiet meal. If only those serving him knew the sick, twisted things he had been doing to these lovely ladies with latex, petroleum products and food, just moments before.


An added bonus, if you have no scruples, and we gave up ours long ago, is the offspring of all the guys from bands you toured with. I know, most of you would cringe at the thought of banging one of your friends' kids, but remember, our friends have slept with actresses and supermodels. The spawn of these freaks of nature are other freaks of nature. Trust me, if Jade Jagger or Daisy Lowe showed up at your show wearing a see-through top and a micro-mini that looked like a belt, it wouldn't matter if you had sworn yourself to celibacy, you cannot disappoint them. You must give them their due. You must be that guy. Just don't tell anyone...

...alright, now that I've shamed myself and disgusted you, I had better shut up and crawl back into the hole from which I came (no I didn't mean a vagina, though...now that you mention it). Sorry, if I've offended you, yet again. Sometimes I just start to think and, without any kind of filter in my brain, words just come spilling out. My bad.

I'm outta here...

Eli Finkelstein (Cy's kid)