In crisis?

The male psyche is a strange and delicate thing. Easily damaged, quick for us to attempt to assuage. Middle-aged men buy Corvettes to make them feel like they've not had their youths pass them by. Other men with small penises buy large trucks (or Corvettes for that matter) to make up for their lack of endowment (in contrast, I drive an AMC Pacer, I am comfortable in my masculinity). Another phallic fixation of many men is the guitar. Seen by some as a psycho-sexual symbol of their penises, not necessarily an extension of the penis, but a tool used to fulfill a need to display one's prowess with their manhood.

A few weeks ago, the boys in the band were excited to come into possession of a new bass guitar. Since three of the four Toyz take turns on the bass, it was a bit disturbing to see all of them take turns caressing their new Kip Winger bass, fondling its neck, ogling the curve of its body. Kind of f**cking creepy, huh? But this week, I will join in the disturbing-ness of guitar envy, when Tommy Gunns breaks out the mother of all guitars - the Ibanez JEM, co-designed by my personal guitar hero, Steve Vai.

Introduced in 1987, it is avaiable in the original JEM model or one of five sub-models, including my personal favorite the seven string Universe sub-model. The particular model you will see Tommy playing is an attractive 77FP model with a floral pattern, the fabric of which was cut directly from curtains from Vai's home. The only cooler version, in my humble opinion, would have been the JEM2KDNA, brought out in 2000 (hence the 2K) and colored with a mixture of paint and Steve Vai's blood (hence the DNA). But still, the perfect balance, the sensuous body, the handgrip in said body, the gentle curve of the nape of the fretboard... oh, sorry, didn't mean to get all disturbing on you. Uh...it's a helluva geetar, ain't it?

Ok. Now that I've frightened you enough that you may never return to this site, I'd just like to say that I really don't have any kind of Steve Vai fetish or guitar jones, really! I just, uh...appreciate good craftsmanship. Yeah, that's it I appreciate something that's made well by a man's hands...shit, I just keep making it worse, don't I?

Good-bye...

Eli Finkelstein (Cy's kid)