I don't like Mondays

Do any of you have any idea how difficult it can be trying to help my old man out, doing menial jobs in service of promoting the band? I mean, sure, there are perks...lots of free booze and other 'little friends'. Lots of hot, desperate women, scorned by the band members, yet still looking for some kind of 'in' to the inner sanctum. But really, the shit I have to go through sometimes to get the band out to honor PR commitments makes me f**kin' crazy. And Monday mornings are the worst.

Usually the easiest to find is Emaxx. Really, how hard is it to walk through his, usually unlocked, front door, stagger through the obstacle course that is his apartment and find him passed out in his king-sized waterbed? Not hard at all. But trying to wake this guy up! It's like trying to drag Sunny von Bülow out of her coma. Damage should be easy. He's a light sleeper, when he sleeps at all (possibly explaining the ongoing vampire rumours), but trying to find him, what with his super-secret carnal association with (the) Sarah Palin (campaign), is all but impossible. The campaign says the candidate will be in Philly, but no they're really in Scranton. Sometimes I think they're doing it just to keep Todd Palin off the scent of the affair. Like he doesn't know. He just knows he can't compete with Damage's skills. Likki Stixx is not tough to find, he's usually dropping off his weekend date at the Louise Dean School for Pregnant Teens, right where he's picked her up after school on Friday afternoon. He's helpful like that. I just worry that people think I'm a perv for watching all the little knocked up 14 year-olds show up in the morning. Then there's Tommy Gunns. For those of you who don't know, Gunns sleeps in a carefully calibrated hyperbaric chamber located 5 stories below ground out at Gunns Manor (actual location secret, you have to be driven there, blindfolded, by his personal assistant, Rodolfo). The chamber will only open after Gunns has been asleep for exactly 495 minutes. How the hell do I know when the bastard has fallen asleep? I wait and wait and wait. Just get out of bed like the rest of us. You're already, like 97, how long do you need to live?

I'd love to go on, but Rodolfo just showed up in 'the car' to pick me up. We've got a full day ahead of us, I'd hate to be the one who keeps us from 'our public'.

Yo...

Eli Finkelstein (Cy's kid)