What's the Big Deal?

Things seem to be a little tense in the ol' Toyz camp the past few weeks. A little green monster has reared its ugly little head. And that little green monster's name is Jealousy. Not in any kind of 'in-fighting' way. No, the Toyz are getting along swimmingly, like the rock-pigs in shit they are. It comes down to the pain of seeing so many who have stolen the band's 'schtick' find levels of success that have eluded them.

Tommy Gunns just finished reading Ozzy Osbourne's biography "I Am Ozzy" the other day (with more then a little help from his reading tutor) and was appalled to see all the crazy shit that Ozzy did that he passes off as original. Like when he snorted a line of ants from the ground to one up Nikki Sixx. I'm sure he'll tell you he's never heard the story about Johnny Emaxx's many insect-ingesting adventures. Like the time he snorted two spiders through rolled-up dollar bills, one inserted in each nostril, off Heather Locklear's naked a**. Or the time he ate six cockroaches that Pamela Des Barres (look her up kiddies) dropped from between her clenched butt-cheeks. Yeah, I'm sure Ozzy never heard about that stuff, did he? He's so original, that bat-and-dove-head-eating motherf**ker.

To add insult to injury, the band-formerly-known-as-Metal Shop/Metal Skool/Danger Kitty, Steel Panther has apparently scored a reality show on Comedy Central (is that 'cause they're nothing but a big joke?). It's hard to imagine they would have ever become popular had they not caught a Toyz show one night in Sausalito, CA, had a light bulb go off in their collective heads and thought "Holy shit!! We could totally rip these guys off and get tons of chicks who might bring us blow and maybe even blow us" (As if... have you ever seen those chumps live? They blow.). Anyway, see the Toyz they did. Rip them off they did. And now they're livin' the high life. And, ok, I even hear that chicks come to their shows and... bring them blow and even blow them.

But who cares, right? They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so the Toyz should be mighty proud. Unfortunately, there are bigger men in the world who may feel that way, but the Toyz want all the blow and all the chicks they can get. After all, when some guys in the band are almost 60 (ok, one guy, and you know who you are...) your window of opportunity looks smaller every day.

But enough sour grapes. It's times to consume some fermented grapes (and potatoes and other 'healthy' grains). Za vashe zdorovya...

Eli Finkelstein (Cy's kid)