21st Century Boy

Welcome to the 21st century! Yes, it is 2008 and, finally, Johnny Emaxx has crossed the threshold into the internet age. At a time when many of us have multiple (I have at least 12 I can think of...) e-mail accounts - home, work, the one we use trolling the 'net for new 'friends' - the Toyz tough guy has relied on lesser forms of communication. Until last week when he signed up for sendmeane-mailorillbust yourface@hotmail.com (ok, that's not really it, but he tried to get it, seems Russell Crowe was a step ahead of him). I guess we shouldn't be surprised. Emaxx is a notorious late-adopter, he alwats wants to make sure things are gonna be around awhile before he invests his time in it.

Take for example his die-hard devotion to old methods of media storage. Only in 2004 did he donate his old wind-up phonograph and 78 RPM records to the Smithsonian (you have no idea how much he paid to get record companies to commit new Motley Crue and Slayer albums to acetate). Similarly he was the proud owner of the worlds last still-in-a-box Sony Betamax player. He'd bought a dozen of them in the late 80's and, one by one, played them into the ground. Strangely, it was one of Emaxx's vices, porn, that drove the VHS to crush Beta's hopes in the market. And don't just think that Emaxx has an aversion to the newest 'toy' fad, no he's a bit shy with regard to changing any of his tried and true ways. He also paid a handsome sum to a farmer friend of his to maintain a small herd of sheep for his personal use, as well. No, he wasn't f**king the sheep, what do think he is? Sick? For decades, he thought the latex was a passing fad (though he is a big fan of latex 'clothing'), so he was a dedicated user of condoms made from the intestines of his sheep. He has made the switch now, but he still swears by the 'feel' of his old favorites. Of course, the dozens of paternity cases pending against him may indicate a lack of efficacy of said sheaths, but, hey, it's all about the feel right? Numerous progeny be damned.

Emaxx, a man of honour, a man of integrity, a man of unceasing stubbornness. Mr. Emaxx we salute you, and, again, say welcome to the new century.

Hejda...

Eli Finkelstein (Cy's kid)