Four years of Damage?

So, you may ask yourself what kind of damage can one do to one's self in four years. Lucky for us, we can now present that answer to the world, as we celebrate(?) the fourth anniversary of Dannii Lee Damage joining the fold (Not through the audition process. Not through 'it's not what you know, it's who you know/blow". No, he was passed out on the stage at Morgan's after a Monday night gig. The rest of the Toyz set up around him when they couldn't wake him up. Then halfway through their first set, he woke up and ripped off a killer solo in the middle of "Talk Dirty to Me" and the rest, as they say,
is KISStory, sorry history).

But back to the subject at hand, here is a partial-laundry list of the implements of (mostly) destruction consumed/used by Damage since that fateful day:

2555 fifths of Jack Daniels'
3066 bottles of red wine (including 1178 bottles of Night Train Express)
4592 Trojan Magnum XL condoms
5037 vaginas (he tried to be careful every time... really...)
25 shooooooooots of penicillin (...but nobody's perfect)
2987 7-11 Hoagies
6 sets of plastic sheets
97 litres of Mazola oil
214 eyeliner pencils
3 cycles of Twinrix vaccinations
47 hotel room TVs
937 bibles (their pages roll great joints)
3116 cans of Aquanet Superhold hairspray
3267 sq. ft. of Spandex
6 vocal coaches (so the damage was inflicted on them, not him, live with it)
15 Kum Inmee Happy Ending Blow-up Dolls
14 Hutch's Finest Home Auto-asphyxiation kits (I am going to burn in hell...)
3 wire coat hangers (...twice...)

Kids- do NOT try this at home.

Here's to four more years of Damage!!

Eli Finkelstein (Cy's kid)

Just another quick observation...

So, once upon a time, not so long ago, the banner ad down the side of our little page was sponsored by the Church of Scientology. Creepy, right? Well, we're not sure if that is better or worse than the new ads.

On second thought, knowing the tales of Toyz debauchery like we do maybe we should find it... normal that ads for artificial insemination are now the order of the day. After all, aside from the miracle of the birth of a new little Emaxx a short time ago, we would think that the Toyz Boyz sperm-counts might be a little low. Just sayin'...

What's the Big Deal?

Things seem to be a little tense in the ol' Toyz camp the past few weeks. A little green monster has reared its ugly little head. And that little green monster's name is Jealousy. Not in any kind of 'in-fighting' way. No, the Toyz are getting along swimmingly, like the rock-pigs in shit they are. It comes down to the pain of seeing so many who have stolen the band's 'schtick' find levels of success that have eluded them.

Tommy Gunns just finished reading Ozzy Osbourne's biography "I Am Ozzy" the other day (with more then a little help from his reading tutor) and was appalled to see all the crazy shit that Ozzy did that he passes off as original. Like when he snorted a line of ants from the ground to one up Nikki Sixx. I'm sure he'll tell you he's never heard the story about Johnny Emaxx's many insect-ingesting adventures. Like the time he snorted two spiders through rolled-up dollar bills, one inserted in each nostril, off Heather Locklear's naked a**. Or the time he ate six cockroaches that Pamela Des Barres (look her up kiddies) dropped from between her clenched butt-cheeks. Yeah, I'm sure Ozzy never heard about that stuff, did he? He's so original, that bat-and-dove-head-eating motherf**ker.

To add insult to injury, the band-formerly-known-as-Metal Shop/Metal Skool/Danger Kitty, Steel Panther has apparently scored a reality show on Comedy Central (is that 'cause they're nothing but a big joke?). It's hard to imagine they would have ever become popular had they not caught a Toyz show one night in Sausalito, CA, had a light bulb go off in their collective heads and thought "Holy shit!! We could totally rip these guys off and get tons of chicks who might bring us blow and maybe even blow us" (As if... have you ever seen those chumps live? They blow.). Anyway, see the Toyz they did. Rip them off they did. And now they're livin' the high life. And, ok, I even hear that chicks come to their shows and... bring them blow and even blow them.

But who cares, right? They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so the Toyz should be mighty proud. Unfortunately, there are bigger men in the world who may feel that way, but the Toyz want all the blow and all the chicks they can get. After all, when some guys in the band are almost 60 (ok, one guy, and you know who you are...) your window of opportunity looks smaller every day.

But enough sour grapes. It's times to consume some fermented grapes (and potatoes and other 'healthy' grains). Za vashe zdorovya...

Eli Finkelstein (Cy's kid)

Good God, it's the spawn of Satan!

Yes, the rumours are rumours no more. The scuttlebutt has basis in fact. You may have heard word swirling around in the depths of hell. Or possibly at the Toyz show at Morgan's on Tuesday night. We can confirm that, indeed, Johnny Emaxx has become a father for the 16th time, bringing the band's total to 37 children on 5 continents (oddly, the band's biggest man-whore, Dannii Lee Damage has but a single child, how to wrap that rascal Damage...). Emaxx's latest progeny arrived just moments before he took the stage and he was informed of the happy occasion by Tommy Gunns, who had assisted in the delivery (is there nothing this guy can't do?).

There was some question leading up to the birth as to whether Emaxx was really the child's father. With his history of indulging in the odd cocktail and mountains of some mysterious white powder, it's been well-documented that his sperm-count had dropped perilously low and included many motility-challenged little fellas. But as they say, it only tales one bad apple to inseminate an egg (or something like that...). Besides, those new turkey basters they have can fire that sperm WAY up into the uterus.

I haven't yet learned the new bundle of joy's name, but I have no doubt it will be similar to the thoughtful monikers of its siblings (which include 4 Bambis, 3 Candies, 2 Brandys, a Fawn and a Luka (DaTits), among others). We hear the child's mother is doing well and is mulling the removal of her restraining order against Emaxx. Let's hope she goes that route, so the little one can experience the atmosphere of love and warmth that is Emaxx.

Now just a word of advice for Mr. Emaxx: if the new member of the Emaxx dynasty is female, do us one favour. Keep it away from Likki Stixx when it reaches it's mid-to-late teens. We hear his taste in companions is skewing younger every day (ouch!).

Anyway... lock up your mothers all. The last thing we need is Broken Toyz Baby number 38!

Out...

Eli Finkelstein (Cy's kid)